inside structure

structures. depths of the mind, separated by talent, free flowing expression(s). joyful & depleted emotions, or maybe they're just thoughts that tick and somehow turn into a feeling. awkward uneasiness crawls out through my skin even though i try to ignore it. happiness through human connectivity is a shame, so unfortunate that many of us thrive off of soul warmth and love. how do i separate this ambition? do i grow distant and allow my self to develop internally & become completely independent? anxiety flows through my veins, beer seems to take it away but it just comes back through withdrawls. my lack of confidence creeps back even more so.

a destructive pattern has found it self through me, causing weakness and unbalanced emotions throughout my past two relationships. funny that the lost friendship with my mother has caused this unfortunate distress within my being. where is the turn off switch to this roller-coaster of unhappiness? these feelings did not choose to flow through me!! i don't want them anymore, seems though i never did, and i do not thrive off them one bit.

keeping my self busy, exquisite conversations.. oh wait, human contact. fuck. music, writing; not this kind. art; my mind wonders as it constantly changes focus. traveling, constantly moving and cleansing, picking up new routines as well as sleeping spaces. this keeps me happy and some what stable. free living, a green filled stomach, and a fine cup of coffee, perhaps a cold beer as well.

maybe i need to limit my sub-conscious ( i know i say this word to alot ) expectations as well as the deep daily connections with the one person i am involved with. this clogs my individuality, it's not them, it's my soul / suitcase combo, the connection with that person (usually female) becomes constantly excited and therefore my combo "self" becomes attached to that daily routine of excitement.